I think at some point, we all get caught up in the trap of comparing ourselves to our peers based on our income and what we own. Back when I was a high school band director, I did it constantly.
Any time I found out that someone made $100,000 a year or just bought a really nice car, it totally bummed me out that I was nowhere close to that life with my teaching salary.
It definitely didn't help that my wife and I were living at her parents' house after college, and both drove (and still do) cars that are worth less than $10,000 combined.
Fortunately, over the past few years, I've been able to completely change my mindset and avoid money envy altogether. Now when I see people around me doing well, I'm legitimately happy for them. It's a much better way to live.
Here's how I stopped being jealous about money:
1. I realized that every single day I wake up is a day in the bonus round
This might be the most important mindset shift that I've ever had in my life (and no, I'm not just saying that for effect).
It's too easy to get caught up in worrying about how you compare to other people, or how much stuff or money you've acquired in life so far.
Here's the reality – none of that matters very much when you take everything back to the most important event in your day.
You woke up. There were a lot of people in this world that probably would have liked to have that win today as well.
I know this is a personal finance blog – but forget about money for a second and really think hard about how crazy it is that we're even alive and get a chance to do anything. It's nuts.
Student loans, investing, online business, growing (hopefully) bank accounts…all of those things are obviously important in our day-to-day lives, but don't really hold a candle to just being awake in the first place.
Related: The Real Reason I Live Debt-Free
Once I started to begin my day with gratitude, It permeated everything I did and snowballed into making more money and enjoying life without worrying about what everyone else is doing.
It's pretty freaking cool. You should try it tomorrow morning. 🙂
2. I realized nobody *really* cares if I complain
All of us have those moments where we feel down about where we are compared to other people. ALL of us have also had moments where we complain about it to the people around us.
But do the people that we're complaining to actually care?
If I had to guess, I'd say no. When I was teaching and complained about not making enough money (which is a common one in the teaching world for good reason), it's not like the magical money fairy came down and handed me $100 to make me feel better.
My peers didn't pull out their checkbooks, and it would have been a mistake if they did.
In fact, nothing happened. I just kept working, getting my paycheck, complaining about said paycheck, working, getting my paycheck, complaining about said paycheck, and on and on.
You know what did work though?
Making the decision to tackle my student loans. Getting off of my butt on the weekends and starting this site. Deciding to completely change careers to pursue my dream of working for myself. Challenging myself to learn more about personal finance and entrepreneurship.
Related: How I Paid Off $40,000 of Student Loans in 18 Months
Don't get me wrong – I'm not saying you can't ever complain. But if you don't pair it with some kind of action, what's the point? You might as well just keep doing whatever it is you're doing that sucks if you aren't willing to try something different.
3. Now I compete against myself
Over time I've just realized that there's no point in trying to look at what other people have or what financial goals they've hit and compare it to my situation.
Everyone has a different path, and there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe some people were born into a family with money. Maybe some people were born dirt-poor and have more drive and motivation than me.
Truth be told – you can't ever tell how people are doing in life by the stuff they have anyways. It's too easy to borrow money for things to use that as the benchmark.
The second you start focusing on everyone else instead of finding a way to create your own success, you'll get stuck in the rat race.
Now, I focus on how I can beat myself.
Can I work harder than I did yesterday? Can I work smarter? Can I put 10% more effort into my business than I did last month and/or 10% more money into my brokerage account this year?
I haven't quite perfected it yet (might not ever do that) and it's a really slow process…but it works.
Over the past two years of approaching things this way, I've been able to 3-4x my old teaching salary, set my future family up for a better life, and ultimately create a legit path to wealth and financial independence.
I'm not saying that everyone that reads this site can have the same results that I've had, but I guarantee that you can at the very least make your life exponentially better by focusing on you instead of them.
With all that said, for me it all still comes down a very simple concept:
I'm just happy to wake up every day. If you start there, you'll become 1,000% more appreciative of everything you have.
Question for you:
Have you ever been jealous of other people's income or stuff?
Wow, number one really hit home for me today. Last week, my mom’s friend’s 18 year-old son, died in his sleep from a blood clot. I didn’t really know him but it was really a reminder that every day is precious and we should be grateful for another day to live.
I have definitely found myself jealous of other people’s money/spending. One of the biggest ways I got over it was reminding myself that I don’t know their whole story. Maybe they put that vacation on a credit card and are going deeper into debt. Maybe they have been saving every penny they could spare for the past 10 years to buy that new car. Looking at things this way has really helped me not only curb my jealousy but also take the time to listen to people more and hear their stories.
You can NEVER know how people are really doing financially by the stuff they wear and drive, so I don’t even try anymore! Someone I went to high school with died in a very similar way. Can’t even imagine what the mom is going through right now 🙁
I agree so much with point 1. Every day we wake up is a bonus round. I recently this summer was given the opportunity to go on a trip with my wife to help young girls who were sold into sex slavery.
Out of all the things I learned while being in Cambodia and Thailand for 21 days or so, is that happiness and your attitude are a choice. I have related this a ton to my “money” life as well and it’s incredible how more productive I am and then at the same time being ok when things don’t go as planned. Just like you, I have not hit it there yet but I think it’s interesting that things like this post keep popping up all over to remind me!
Wow, I’m sure that was a super humbling experience. Can’t even imagine.
Generally I’m not jealous of anyone’s financial situation, with a few exceptions. There are still moments where I see things like blog income reports and think ‘aw man I wish I was there’ but I stopped letting it put me down and instead I use it as a challenge to myself to get to that point, and figure out how to make it happen.
The key really is turning any negative jealous feelings into positive, actionable items that drive you toward your goals. If you can do that, you’ll be in a much better position than just complaining all the time for the sake of complaining. 🙂
Yeah blog income reports can be great, but I agree that they can be discouraging sometimes as well. It never changes though. You’ll get to where I am and then still see people making $200k/month and feel like you aren’t doing enough haha.
I was always jealous. Thankfully, I now know I have enough and if I want more I could get more if I want to do more to get it. Generally, the answer is no. I am grateful for what I have. It is a mindset and it took me a long time to get there.
It’s a process for sure. You just have to get comfortable with who you are and what you’re great at!
I deal with the money jealousy thing pretty hard. I realized recently that I resent rich people. When I see an Audi or a Mercedes drive by I roll my eyes. Would I have to hate on people if I was feeling neutral about them?
I think money-conscious people have a greater need to compare because we’re always worried that we’re not doing enough/saving enough. One things that’s helped me is remembering that we compare our insides to other people’s outsides and that we believe people to be much happier than they really are. Just compete against yourself, like you said. Thanks Bobby!
No problem Elsie! Yes I agree – we kinda surround ourselves with other people that are killing it financially. Makes it hard not to compare.
Elsie,
When I pull up beside someone in a luxury car I always think “wow, I bet that guy is burdened with a huge payment on that thing”, because there is a very high probability that is the case. Once you realize that 7 out of 10 people live paycheck to paycheck and that 46% of Americans couldn’t write a $400 check without either borrowing the money or selling something to do so (based on a recent Forbes article), it makes you realize that most of what you see on a daily basis is a facade and really helps you not worry too much about how your life “looks” compared to others (at least for me personally).
George,
I totally do this same thing! I think to myself “man, they probably have a huge loan on that thing. Sad for them…” Lol, it’s a great way to curb that feeling of envy.
Hmm, this is a toughie. Sure, I appreciate the nice things that people have, but I know how they’re financing all of it. I know that, although on the outside I look kinda dumpy (oh hey thrift store clothes!), my net worth is probably much higher than other people’s. I try to recognize that the debt freedom journey is an extraordinary journey to take and that it isn’t the typical path for many people. And that means not giving in to the urge to buy stuff.
Haha yeah I always feel this way about cars. I’d looooove to drive something newer, but it just doesn’t make sense yet!
It puts things into perspective. Money is just a tool. Like a car or even shoes. It’s on a bigger scale of course, but it’s still just a tool. I get wrapped up in trying to make that tool the best and shiniest. And it’s here that I enter the rat race at the expense of precious time. Not good.
Thanks for the reminder. 🙂
You’re welcome!
I’m always thankful to my dad for instilling a teaching in me when I was a teenager. I would look at other kids’ dads that had better cars or fancier gadgets, and I’d complain. My dad’s answer was always the same: in terms of money, what they have in the bank matters much more than what they drive or have in their pockets or on their wrist.
Over the years, I’ve seen how that’s true. Now I know that many people have showy possessions because they finance them. It’s often the less showy ones that have actual wealth.
So nowadays, I admit that I might get a bit jealous when I see someone driving around in a Mercedes. But then I remind myself that there’s a good chance that all it reflects is debt.
Very true – you can never tell by what you see.
Comparison is the thief of joy!! I learned to stop comparing maybe around 24-25 and started focusing on making a change in my own life. Things I thought were so important mean little to nothing to me now. Thanks for this post.
No problem Bo!
No, I only focus on what I can control. Being jealous doesn’t help anybody. We all have to take it day by day. I hope to help others learn to increase their net worth gradually over time.
Me too!
Absolutely I get jealous from time to time. Then I try to remind myself of the things that I’m doing to improve my own life, that helps to keep things positive. I also then look at how blessed I already am, which is very humbling. Set goals and work towards them really helps to made me feel successful. Thanks for the reminder.
Of course, no problem!
I love your first point! It is so easy to take each day we’re given for granted. If one truly takes a step back to be appreciative for everything they have in this life – and to be alive! – there’s no way you can feel envy or jealousy for what someone else has that you don’t.
With that said, we sometimes forget to be appreciative everyday and that can lead to jealousy of someone else’s income or stuff. I know that I’ve experienced it! I try my best to just put on my blinders and remind myself that I’m on my own journey (to become debt-free, to increase my income, to be a better version of myself, etc…) and I can’t compare myself to others. This is a great post and such a great reminder of what to do when those feelings come creeping up. Thanks for posting!
Glad you liked it Kendall!
Earlier this year it was mentioned that my friend’s house was worth about $500,000. I was really impressed. I wasn’t jealous just happy for her and impressed that she could afford a half a million dollar house. Fast forward about 5 months she discovered she needed surgery and would have to be out of work for a while. She had to turn to fundraising to raise enough money to pay next months bills. Forking over $950 for her surgery was a hardship for her. I wasn’t so impressed anymore. I think I’d rather have no debt, a smaller house, and have money to cover my expenses in an emergency than a half a million dollar house and new cars.
Unfortunately that’s pretty common 🙁
I’ve never been jealous of other people. If anything, if they had something that I liked I would use it as motivation to do better for myself. Now that I’m older and wiser and realize that a lot of people finance some of everything under the sun or rack up debt to maintain their lifestyle… I’m good. I perfectly fine with competing against myself because I know where I stand and what it took for me to get here!
That’s a great way to look at things!
I’ve found comparison is human nature. Rather then fight it I direct it. I compare myself to the fictional avg person only and I try to do better then them. That bars usually pretty low for most things sadly. The key here is also try not complain. It’s a motivator to do better then average through focus, not a downer complaint cause I’ll never be as successful as x.
I like it – definitely an interesting way to look at it!
You absolutely nailed it with the gratitude point. Research shows that only 10% of happiness comes from external sources. That means that 90% of our happiness comes from how we *perceive* our lives. Choosing to be grateful for what we have makes all the difference in the world!
Wow that’s a crazy stat!!!!
I always used other person’s income as my motivation and inspiration. This helped me strive for more and work better. Do like your idea of competing against yourself. Did not realize this was what I have been doing all these times and this should be the right attitude to succeed in almost everything in life. I’m an avid golfer and we say this all the time that we are competing with ourselves and not with other golfers but it never occurred to me that this is what we should be doing in our own lives as well. Love this post and thnaks.
Thanks for the reality check. We are living debt free in a somewhat smallish (paid for) house and it is so easy to start on that comparison track. It’s interesting how we don’t think someone has money till they have spent some (and may be broke for all we know).
I processed mortgage loans for over a year. Of the hundreds I processed the one thing in common is applicants all lived paycheck to paycheck trying to borrow the most they could qualify for. Even the lottery winners were struggling. Eye opening!
Love it! I think it’s the #1 financial mistake to compare yourself to others and try to keep up with them. You will never know how their finances really look like, how they are making their money or what problems they struggle with.
You also can’t keep up with all the people around you at the same time. Maybe, for your friend cars have an important role. For your neighbor, a bigger house is what he is aiming for. Your colleague maybe just has his boat but cut back on other stuff. You can’t have everything, so you should focus on something.
What is the one thing that is really emotionally important to you? It doesn’t have to be exactly one thing. But you can’t have everything at the same time.
Actionable advice: Get rid of the clutter in your life as it wastes your time, energy and money. This will also solve the problem about comparing yourself with others.
Focus on yourself and your inner voice is what you should be aiming for.
Hola – It’s good to see that I’m not the only one who has struggled with this. It is soooo easy to get caught up for sure. One thing I always try and think about is that they might look like they have money, but they might have no money.
You’ve got the drive and hustle so undoubtedly you will succeed! Congrats on your 2017 success with the site!
Thank you Alex!
Great post, Bobby. Gratitude is everything. I have a post in my content calendar on it. Several years ago I struggled with anxiety over money after several setbacks. My epiphany on gratitude transformed my life.