One of the most common questions that I get from M$M readers (especially in the private FB group) is about getting a spouse on the same page financially. It's really common for one person in the relationship to care deeply about their financial situation, while the other doesn't seem interested at all.
I've never really been able to give a GREAT answer. I'm really fortunate that my wife Coral is just as interested in personal finance as I am…so I would really just be theorizing rather than drawing on my own life experience. But today, Jillian (a M$M reader) is sharing her success story with us and the strategy she used to get her husband on board with debt freedom. Enjoy! ~M$M
My husband and I have been married since October of 2011. Both of us entered the marriage with student and some credit card debt (his beloved Chase VISA card with a whopping 19% monthly interest!). In total, we had combined around $75,000 total in debt – $8,000 of which was the Chase card.
Throughout the first two years of our marriage, we were constantly in financial crisis mode – and I was in career crisis mode as well.
I feel I should mention that during this time – I never felt like we were in a financial crisis.
Our lack of money and our ever-growing debt just seemed to be how life was for us. We were both trying to wrap up our master’s degrees. I was seeing more and more with each student loan just how little I actually wanted my degree.
Fast forward to April 2013. I got accepted into a teacher certification program, so I was working towards my current career field and abandoned the prior degree once and for all. My husband had graduated the previous year and was earning actual “grown up” pay.
Yet, finances still seemed to be an issue. That’s when I thought, “Hey, I remember hearing about Dave Ramsey in high school. I need to listen to him and see if we maybe can’t make a change.”
I began subscribing to his podcast (and have been a listener ever since). I was so insanely excited. I couldn’t wait to tell my husband and get him on board!
Boy, was I wrong.
My husband HATED Dave Ramsey. He couldn’t bear to listen to the podcast. I thought he was crazy! How could he not love Dave just as much as me? There I was, excited and getting a plan in place and my spouse wanted none of it.
Over the next several months, I was putting our “get out of debt plan” together. Although my husband couldn’t get behind listening to Dave Ramsey, he did acknowledge that we had a lot of debt. He also acknowledged that we should try to do something about it, but didn’t necessarily want to be involved.
I was really pushing to use the “snowball” method by paying off our smallest debts first and not factoring in the interest rates. This brought up another issue for my spouse.
We had many small student loan debts from as little as $1,500 up to $15,000 and by the time we would actually get to his credit card, it would’ve been our second to last debt with its big hairy, ugly interest rate breathing down our necks.
This was a huge sore spot in our snowball plan. He was adamant that we tackle the credit card first because that 19% interest rate demanded $250 each month…not even factoring in the principal. I refused to budge on this because I felt that we had been doing finances “our way” and that was getting us nowhere. I wanted to stay true to the DR plan.
Finally, in the summer of 2014, we actually received an unexpected financial windfall. It came in the form of a bonus check that was just enough to pay off his credit card. I felt that in order to get my husband more on board the Debt Free Train, I would compromise the order of our debts and give him a win.
So with that bonus money, we paid off the credit card with the big ugly interest rate. Looking back, I have to admit that getting rid of that card did free up a lot of monthly income to put towards those little debts. After that, my husband was more receptive to the plan.
In fact, I was tuning in with him every so often to see if he wanted to attend Financial Peace University. In December 2015, he finally agreed to go and we began attending classes in January 2016.
If you had told me that attending FPU would make all the difference in the world in our debt snowball plan, I wouldn’t have really believed you. I was already working the plan. I listened to Dave daily. I knew what to do.
But when we both went to class, we were both fully on board. The change was unreal.
We still had over $20,000 in debt left at that point and were down to the last three student loans. Going to the class forced us both to look at where we were, make a budget, and challenged us to use the cash envelope system.
When we did those three things, it changed our whole world. There we were: two high school teachers and we cleared over $20,000 in just nine months’ time. That’s right. With both of us on board, we were able to clear roughly 25% of our debt in less than a year!
I still look back and wonder how much more quickly we could’ve done this if we had started on the same page.
Now, it is February of 2018. We are still out debt, aggressively saving for a big down payment for our first house and expecting our first baby in April.
Because we’re out of debt and are still laser-focused on where we stand financially, I will be able to stay home with our daughter. We would not have the choice for me to be at home if we were still struggling with debt.
Looking back, I know how fortunate I am that:
1. While apathetic to the details, my spouse was never really acting against me
2. Eventually, we both got on the same page
(My husband, by the way, assures me that I’m remembering this all wrong.)
He said to me today, “I was never against getting out of debt. You and Dave just got on my nerves.”
With that said, I may have started off a little too strong and I probably overwhelmed him. When I backed off and gave him a win with getting rid of the credit card, things did seem to run a lot more smoothly.
For those of you out there who have spouses who aren’t on board, you have my sympathy. Don’t give up on them. Use a different approach and always be willing to compromise.
However, I’m also here to tell you that between the two of you, one will always be way more tuned into the financial realm of things than the other. That’s okay. In fact, that’s normal. One of you needs reminding that there’s more to life that budgeting and bank statements while the other needs reminding that your money needs a plan.
It’s the perfect balance.
Felt nice reading it.
We never were in debt – except when we had two car loans, but paid it off quickly. We agreed on that, luckily.
Right now, we are trying to get to financial independence, and possibly retiring early. We both don’t really agree on it completely.
Great post, and thanks for sharing you and your husbands experiences!
I am a BIG Dave Ramsey advocate, and I use his zero debt philosophy to this day. The air you breath in just feels more fresh when you’re debt free. The best point you make though is that no matter what, there will always be 1 person who is just simply more into it than the other. There is no guaranteed way to make your spouse more interested in finances. If there was, then money fights wouldn’t be one of the #1 causes of divorce in our country.
The most important thing is to just continuously stay honest with them, and try different methods that might peek their interest more. As long as you guys are in it together at the end of the day, that’s all that really matters.
Thanks for the share!
Excellent post and so inspiring given it is Valentine’s Day this week. I’m glad to see you had some early wins and some later wins that took some time. You kept at it and that is inspiring.
My wife and I took 9 months until she even logged in to see her student loan balance. Over 100k and no doubt, it created an enormous amount of stress in our early relationship. As you put it, I didn’t give up and tried different approaches, always willing to compromise. From my experience, the early compromises built trust and allowed us to get to the next road block much quicker. Thanks again for sharing your story, best of luck for your new home, and congrats to the baby on the way!
Great post! I’ve been lucky enough that my husband and I have always be in sync with money. After college, we upgraded our life style, and had a ton of to debt from it. Now, we’re both more aware of money and frugal!
Congrats on your successes! Can’t wait until the day we are debt free!
Awesome post once again!
Me and my spouse are in the same situation. We’ve never had a lot of debt but our different approach really put a stress on our relationship. We’ve worked it out in the meantime with compromise and honest discussion.
For us, our first year of marriage was spent putting out financial fires. My husband also was more aware of finances than I was since he met with an adviser who helped him set up a retirement fund and went over preparing for that distant future. I felt like we weren’t on the same page in terms of financial education. After we attended a financial seminar with Joe Sangl from I Was Broke Now I’m Not, we were on the same page. We made a plan and not long after, we bought our first house! Now we’re able to weather financial fires (hello $500 vet bill) better and our talks about money are far less emotional and more strategic.
I have to say that I completely agree with the husband – the fact that Dave Ramsey pushes the snowball method is so weird to me. I understand the logic – small wins to keep you on the path to debt freedom etc. etc. – but if it’s a debate between small wins v saving literally thousands of dollars in interest, then it shouldn’t even be a discussion.
At the end of the day though, if it gets you debt-free, then so be it!
So congrats on making it, Jillian! (and expecting your first baby is pretty good too 🙂 )
In this instance, you and the husband are 100% correct. The interest rates on everything else were very close or the same. That 19% interest rate was a monster. Looking back, I’m glad I swallowed my pride and gave in! 😀 And thanks for the congrats! 🙂
This is a challenge for so many households. Typically, there is one individually who handles the bulk of the financial responsibilities in a relationship. Perhaps it’s because they are better at money management or they simply like it more. In my case, this partner is me. My fiance is on board with all of my plans for our finances, so I am fortunate in that aspect, however, for many couples, having the ability to make compromises just like you did helps to get each other on the same page so that you can move forward with a great plan together. Money is one of the leading causes of divorce and will be much easier to manage if both members are on the same page.
Are you and your spouse on the same page with money, or is it one-sided?
Thankfully, yes we are. Although I handle most of the bills and day-to-day finances, I let her know about when I pay a bill (I oddly enjoy paying bills) and where we are financially. I actually give her a monthly report in Excel about our debt and investments. She gives me excellent feedback.
We attended FPU before we got married, even though I think we didn’t really need it like some people do. We just enjoy learning and taking classes together.
Good on you guys for navigating through this and getting on the same page! No couple agrees on everything. It’s all about finding a balance and compromise that helps get to your joint goal. For example, I wanted to keep our car payment. Mr. Picky Pincher was adamant about getting rid of it. We followed his plan and it’s worked out great for us. 🙂
Congrats, Jillian!
I’m glad your spouse finally saw the light and were able to both tackle the debt head-on.
My wife and I are lucky that we don’t have any debt besides our mortgages.
However, we aren’t exactly on the same page when it comes to finances.
We’re both about the same when it comes to spending habits and goals, but I pay FAR more attention to our finances than she does.
Sometimes I wish we were on the same page. Other times I think we might drive each other crazy with two sets of eyeballs watching the dollars as closely as I do 🙂
As long as we have the same goals and agree to do what’s necessary to achieve them, I think we’re doing well.
I thought that 19% credit card interest is a thing of the past. Anyway, congrats on a great job. You can’t keep looking back now, gone are those credit card days. You can only move forward. Never had this problem with my wife. We really started discussing our finances and our future way back during our dating years and believe me, that was the key.
Great post, and congrats on reaching debt freedom! I’m a big fan of Dave Ramsey’s plan, in fact I recently wrote a post about how Financial Peace University helped sparked our financial journey as well. With Dave’s plan I think there’s room for modifications depending on each person’s circumstances. We made a few modifications that made sense for us, but we’ve stuck to a lot of his key themes.
In your situation, paying off the credit card first made sense for multiple reasons (getting your husband on board and clearing away the biggest interest rate). I’m glad you eventually decided to go the route and then proceeded with the debt snowball. Some people need the psychology of those small wins to keep going with their debt payoff, in your husband’s case the credit card was a huge for his motivation. It seems like paying that off was the biggest key to accelerating your teamwork and reaching debt freedom faster! Thanks again for sharing your story.