I'm very very cautiously writing this post about why we don't have a kid and will attempt to not offend anyone I know. š
Full disclosure: the last time I wrote about kids, my life was much different and I was less mature than I supposedly am right now. I thought you had to be edgy to get noticed blogging (had literally no idea what I was doing), and ended up offending friends with the post.
Live and learn, right?
Just to let you guys in a little bit to my life, my wife and I have been married for a year but have been together for 10. We're both 27. Most of our adult lives have been filled with not doing anything like all the other people around us, and we've managed to create a life that we enjoy a LOT right now.
Then there's the whole kid thing. The number one question that we receive from parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, friends, random people is: “When are you having kids?”
Or – “You're going to have at least one, right?” Or – “How long are you going to wait?”
It wears on us from time to time, but I've realized that we have just gotten unbelievably used to shrugging it off, defending our “weird” choice, or listing some reason why we haven't had one yet. Most of our close friends have kids, so it's basically inevitable that they and every other human we know are going to ask us about joining the club.
It's not good or bad, it's just the way our culture works.
So, why don't we have kids yet?
I'm sure you were wondering after all. š
1) We LOVE where we are in life right now.
*GASP* – happiness without children?!?!? Yes, it's actually possible. We've been fortunate to have moreĀ liquid assets than what I would imagine most people our ageĀ do, and it allows us to kinda do whatever we want within reason.
We can vacation pretty freely (looking at lake houses for rent on my other browser tab), go boating a ton, and really focus on building our careers and foundation for the rest of our lives right now. Things are good.
When we do have kids, we want them to have an awesome life and are preparing to make that a reality. That's absolutely not to say that people who have kids when they are young and don't have money are messing up in any way. We just have our own strategy.
2) We are planners. Big time.
My wife and I are usually thinking out years in advance when we make decisions. You can't plan life because it's unpredictable, but we enjoy the attempt. I've met too many people that have too many regrets about their lives, and we are trying to avoid that at all costs by making decisions we feel good about and spending time together as a couple before we have kids.
Kids are a long term commitment and we aren't in a rush. And honestly, I don't give a $hit about how old we will be when they hit _____ age because we will probably both be retired, financially free, and really like our lives at that point. We'll be just fine.
3) We literally don't care about peer pressure.
That's basically what all the kid questions are, but we know those questions come from a place of people wanting good things for us rather than trying to get us to do something we aren't comfortable with.
I've talked to SO MANY PEOPLE that feel blessed to have their kids. It's an incredible accomplishment, and we recognize that. Contrary to popular belief, we aren't a sad little immature couple that hasn't grown up yet and don't realize what we are missing out on. My wife and I get it. It's special, goes beyond words, completes your lives, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.
If you have kids, we're truly happy for you. You're all awesome. We still aren't having them yet. Sorry.
If you are like us and don't have the kiddies yet by choice, we feel you. You know what the inside of the struggle bus looks like too.
If you are my parents or grandparents, hold your [email protected]#$ horses. It will happen eventually. Jeez you guys are persistent.
Three questions for you to answer below:
-
Do you have kids?
-
Why?
-
Which one is your favorite?
Just kidding, those aren't the real questions. These are:
-
Are/were kids part of your life plan…or did life just happen? š
-
How have your finances changed because of your kids?
-
Would you take it back? <- Don't answer, I already know the answer is no unless you're a bad person or your kid really sucks.
We have a 1 year old daughter who was always in our plans. So far, it hasn’t had too big of a financial impact on us, even though my wife decided to stay home for the first year with her.
The biggest thing I learned after we had her is to never judge anyone for what they choose when it comes to kids. Having a child is such a HUGE life change, everyone should make whatever decision is best for them. They don’t deserve to have outside people put pressure on them to go one way or the other.
That’s great – congrats! I’m glad you recognize the judging thing – I’ve always found it so weird that people openly judge us about the kids and think it’s totally normal and ok to do it. I kinda choose to believe that they have our best interests in mind though…makes it less offensive haha
My wife and I had our first kid 2 years ago, at age 28. We planned and waited until we were ready, which it sounds like you guys are doing as well. The primary balance we wanted to strike was having strong and stable financial resources for them (having a careers in a good spot, etc), while also not waiting too long and having kids in high school when we are in our 50s.
As you realize, kids will change your life so it is important to make sure you are ready for it. Read lots of books, etc. And having a supportive family (parents and grandparents), which it sounds like you do, makes a big difference. When you get to that bend in life, Iām sure you folks will do great!
I am SO glad to hear that you had a kid at 28. Makes me feel less like a loser. That’s really the balance we want to strike as well – strong financial foundation and not too too old. My parents had me when they were in their mid 30’s and it doesn’t seem like they regret that decision (I hope).
And yes, we have a SUPER supportive family with several babysitters ready to go! š
No kids for us. Yet? Now? Ever? The pressure is on big time (hi, Mom!), but we’re still figuring things out. Plus, as two teachers, we already get our fill! I honestly don’t know what the future holds, but I do think that society rushing people into becoming parents isn’t smart or even fair. For now, being a DINK is fun and allows us to be really aggressive with our finances/debt.
We both used to be teachers…maybe THAT is why we are waiting! People don’t realize that teachers basically raise kids for the parents that don’t want to do it or just really suck at parenting.
On a side note – I had to look up DINK because I thought it was something bad hahahaha
We’re a couple of DINKs, too. Haha. We knew when we were kids that kids weren’t in the cards. And at 31 and 34, we have no plans for kids. However, having a plan to have kids sounds like a really good idea–can’t imagine a bigger commitment. Kudos to you!
It just sounds so bad haha
I completely agree. If I had a dollar for every time we have been asked about kids, I’m pretty sure I would have enough to cover in-state tuition at a public university. After my in-laws helped us move into our new house, four baby books magically appeared. It probably doesn’t help that we are both only children, he’s 29 and I’m 27 so we get pressured for grandkids constantly. With more than 6 figures of his student debt remaining and a monthly payment almost equal to our mortgage, we just don’t feel comfortable bringing a child into the world if we know we would struggle financially. We both hope to be able to have one parent stay home for a few years, so we have some pretty high goals we are hoping to meet in the next few years if we plan to support a child.
Keep doing you Paige! We haven’t received the baby books yet, but I’m sure that will happen eventually. The problem we run into is that it is literally all anyone wants to talk about with us anymore. The icebreaker has turned into: “So, when are you going to have kids?”
I don’t mind too much when our parents pressure us. I know they are just excited and want to hang out with our future kid. I think you are making a REALLY SMART choice by getting your finances in order. Keep going!
No children here. Getting married at 43, I WAS afraid of a number! I couldn’t see myself at 60 with a kid in high school! Physically, emotionally and financially having children would have been a struggle. But if I were in my 30s now, and living a debt free lifestyle, I’d absolutely want children. And I’d want to home school them (I’m not the feminist I thought I was 20 years ago), travel with them, and provide them with the riches (experiences) life has to offer.
60 with a high-school kid would be really tough, but when I was teaching I actually remember seeing that a couple of times. Those kids tended to be well-behaved and respectful….imagine that! š
The only thing that matters to me with all the kid stuff is this: Are you happy? I’m assuming yes. That’s what it’s all about!
Hi Bobby!
As you know, I have no children. Never wanted any and I had a lot of people spew their opinion on that during my 20s. Once into my 30s I had a few questions but not too many. After that it was hardly ever mentioned. Now at 60 it’s a bit worrisome that I will not have anyone to care for us in our old age the way I take care of my folks in their 90s. This makes it all the more important that we have the finances to hire people to help. Might be scary trusting that we hire a good hearted person, but there are no guarantees that a family member would be trustworthy.
Have you noticed we have never asked you about kids? We understand that parenthood is not for everyone. We see you two having a good life and you both are intelligent and loving, so if it’s meant to be, I have no doubt you will be great parents, and if it’s not meant to be, I am sure you both will continue to be wonderful people who bless others as you do now, and have a blast doing it!!!
Marcia!!!! I didn’t even know you read M$M. š
You and Rick will be fine – you are both great people and surround yourself with good friends. All of your hard work with your business is going to pay off BIG TIME later down the road.
And yes, we noticed and appreciate it so so so so so so so so so so much! We’re just taking our time and having fun with life, no rush on our end.
Children will probably come at some point for us. But with my fiancee just turning 25, and myself 24, I definitely wouldn’t say any time soon. I think point one of yours sums up why I particularly am not ready just yet. I want us to build a much better financial base so that we can give our future children the life we want for them, but while having the life we also want for ourselves. And so that means having the wealth and assets already in place which we will spend the next few years building.
Yes don’t rush! The financial base is important for any stage in life. A lot of parents will tell you it doesn’t and money doesn’t matter, but the key for us is stress. We don’t want to freak out about money or worry about making ends meet. We absolutely don’t want our kid to even THINK about us having enough money, so we’ll make sure they don’t have to š
So, when are you guys planning on having kids? Lol
I can see how that could be annoying after getting asked a couple of times.,.. My wife and I don’t have any kids, and nobody really asks us “why/why not?” She claims to want to finish her graduate program first, and everybody’s OK with that apparently. She finishes in May of ’17; which means our first child is probably coming next year. I’ve got half a decade on you guys, and she’s one year my senior. Plus, she’s a teacher too. So pressure-wise you rightly shouldn’t be feeling anything right now.
Ha I was waiting for someone to do that! You’re lucky that nobody asks, but I’m sure the grad degree does help to divert people’s “attention”. Thanks for letting us know we shouldn’t be feeling the pressure – super helpful!!!!
I think it’s great u are waiting to have kids until a few years into marriage. Really strengthens the bonds and makes you appreciate your spouse
It’s true – we have been together for a long time but our relationship is easily the best it’s ever been since we got married. It’s nice to just do our thing without having to worry about kids yet honestly.
Plan was around 28 to 30 have kids. Life happened and at 25 I had my son. I am a true believer that you will never be ‘financially’ ready however building your foundation at a young age is very important. Yes your finances changes and should change, you have a human lives to care for, food, clothes, and shelter. As well as investing for your family’s future. As a millennial I do want to advise to pay off debt as soon as possible. I’m fortunate to have a good income but I couldn’t get all the upgrades on my house or buy a brand new car due to having to pay off student loans. Having a kid has matured me and made me work even harder/smarter to make more money and pay off debt faster.
That’s what I’ve always thought about having a kid – I have plenty of motivation to do well in life but it seems to add a little extra fire to become successful. I don’t think we will ever really be “ready” either, I just want to soften the blow as much as I can. My wife and I don’t ever fight about money, so I’d like to maintain that as much as possible when we have kids (probably impossible but why not try?).
Great advice on paying off the debt, and good job not buying the new car!!! I hate new cars haha
Seeing as I am about to graduate college I see no kids on the horizon, I want to get my life in order and be financially stable before having a kid. Do I want to have them? Absolutely but the correct time will be different for everybody. Don’t think you offended anybody this time :p.
Yes!!!!! Well who knows, I probably offended someone that will bring it up later haha. We have really enjoyed taking our time, I’d highly recommend it for anyone who isn’t quite sure if they want kids yet or not.
My wife and I have been asked about our family planning approximately 4,231 times in the past few years, so I can relate to what you and your wife are going through, Bobby. I’m 30 and my wife is 28, which apparently makes us really old and in danger of losing the ability to procreate in the eyes of our friends and family. In the past few years, all of our close friends, except for two couples, have started having kids; I’ll admit that it often makes me feel a bit left out or out of place.
At the same time, I love having the freedom to sleep in as late as I want on the weekends (which usually ends up being 7 AM), make last minute plans and head out the door two minutes later, and only worry about myself, my wife, and our dogs. In the meantime, I enjoy borrowing others’ children, whether that is having my nephew at our place for a sleepover, shooting hoops in my driveway with some of the neighborhood kids, or holding my friends’ new-born baby.
That said, my wife and I will probably start our family in the next 1-2 years. Similar to your path, I’m in the process of exiting the teaching world (I’m a music teacher, too, BTW), so I want to be a little more secure in my consulting and real estate gigs before ripping off the band aid completely.
Woah music teacher too?!? That’s freaking cool – I’d love to share some stories some time.
Yeah it’s weird…I feel like people are legitimately concerned that we won’t be able to have kids or something because we are in our later 20’s. I think we’ll be ok. The thing I find strange about it is that it’s such a nonchalant topic that everyone has no problem asking about endlessly. Usually lifestyle choices are taboo and private, but your ability and willingness to have kids is totally in play. Weird.
I must applaud you for writing this post. I canāt tell you how many times Iāve wanted to write this but often felt I might offend people who have children or even my own parents. I think having a child is a decision that shouldnāt be made out of pressure or simply do to the fact you have the necessary tools. Similar to you, my wife and I have dated for a long time and got married recently. The child question comes up pretty much everyday. Thankfully, our parents have not brought it up (yet) and have been extremely respective, which I think helps. I donāt believe people are being rude but at the core they want you to experience something they believe is wonderful. The assumption however assumes the only way to true happiness for a married couple is by having a child.
Hereās a number for you, 16.4 million. Thatās how many children in the United States live in poverty and that was back in 2011. Our society has a weird way of expressing things we value and should value. Children are one of these things we value yet we often create policies that deter or make it extremely difficult to have and raise a child. Iām not for making it easy for anyone to have a child but I do wonder why most women do not get their full wages when taking the year off to raise their kids. Why do most employers not create day care program as part of their compensation packages for parents? Why do most women have to choose between their child and having a career. Iām not saying anything about man because letās face it. No one gets upset when a man takes a job half way around the world to provide for his family. But if a woman does the same thing sheās viewed as not loving her family or child (what?!). And in case your wondering, Iām a guy. I feel both frustrated and sad at the barriers and obstacles my wife has to face if she chooses to become a parent not to mention how frustrated I will be if I had a daughter and the things she has to put up with.
Bottom line is this. Itās no oneās business as to if you decide to have a child or not. We donāt ask couples or married individuals when they plan on having sex next because itās none of our business. I think we should all take this approach to the child question. If my wife and I decide to have a child, it will be our decision. And thatās the key to happiness really. Making decisions that are best for you and your family even when others question the decision.
^^^^^ DUUUUUUUDE there are a lot of truth bombs. What if we changed the question to “so when are you going to have unprotected sex next time?”. I seriously doubt we’d be talking about it at the dinner table right??
Love your points on the difficulty of having a child and the implications for men vs. women. What if my wife likes her job? What if we enjoy having two incomes? What if we don’t want to pay $1,700/month for daycare?
At the core, it’s not rude. I think the people we know legitimately want us to experience what they have done. That’s cool, but we don’t need or want to do that right now. We like sleeping in, vacationing, boating, building our careers, etc. Great great comment.
My wife and I have been together since 2002 and married since 2008. We the first four years of our married life together without kids, by choice. We now have two kids – 4 and 2 year olds. We were asked that question countless times until we had our daughter in 2012, but never was pressured by my parents or in-laws.
It doesn’t matter how long you wait — your life will change dramatically once you have one. Sure, it’s more stressful — lack of sleep, financial commitment (diapers, cribs, stroller, clothing, food, weekend outings, RESP in Canada), lack of free time for your old hobbies and having fun with friends, etc, etc.
Having said that. the joy of having kids that think of you as everything in the world and the kind of smiles and laughter you would never have outweighs all that stress for us. The joy on grandparents’ faces are priceless, too.
Sure, I sometimes get those “Why did I have TWO kids, let alone ONE?” moments, but it’s all worth it at the end, for me.
I don’t judge anyone for deciding not to have kids; I totally understand their reasoning behind it.
Yeah I’ve never met someone who wasn’t totally and fully appreciative of how special kids are. We know it will be awesome, but in a different way. Right now we are just trying to enjoy our own version of awesome. š
4 years sounds like a good sweet spot – I’m imagining ours will be 3 or so. Just enough time to get a lot of the things we want to do now out of the way.
You’re lucky about not getting parental pressure, my mom is DETERMINED to get us into the kid-making business. I know you are reading this mom haha
On a flip side, your mom might have had an awesome experience raising you and wants to you have the pleasure as soon as possible. š
Wait.. what does that say about my parents?
Ha nice save Roger! I was TERRIBLE when I was a little kid so I doubt it! š
Teacher here too! We waited to have kids until I was 29 – and actually my oldest turns 20 today. Well planned out with a second one two years later. Had a lot of fun before they arrived and a whole different kind of fun once the family started. I would never judge someone for not choosing to have kids and you also never know if people are trying to have kids and are not being successful.
That’s a great point – plenty of couples out there that are trying that probably don’t want to be asked about it. Glad to know we aren’t crazy for waiting too!!!!!
Ok, I can see I’m an odd one here. Been married 19 years and have a 13 and (almost) 16 year old. When we got married, I had NO intentions of having children – my husband married me knowing it may not happen. I had just earned my masters degree and was career focused at the time we got married. Enter my baby niece and life changed; my son was born a year later and 6 months after that I became a stay at home parent. No regrets here, but if you would have told me at 20 what path my life would take, I would have laughed in your face.
Financially? Well, if you consider we gave up one income to have a parent at home, then, yes, kids definitely made an impact on the finances, but we were okay with that. Otherwise, they haven’t been as expensive as people make them out to be until recently – we are now dealing with higher insurance premiums and college (though we will help, we don’t plan to sacrifice retirement savings for college and we do have a decent amount stashed in 529s for them).
It’s too bad you get so many questions on the issue! It’s really no one else’s business, but it sounds like you don’t let it get to you and you are doing what’s best for you.
It’s crazy how life changes directions, right? I was joking with my wife that as soon as I wrote this post we’d probably have a kid or something.
We do get a ton of questions about it. I think our circumstances are just a little rare – almost ALL of our close friends have kids right now.
We are also concerned about the stay at home aspect, although I guess I could become a stay at home dad since I work from a computer. I know a couple of bloggers that have made that choice!
Why do I feel like this was written for me???????
Well…it was š
At 48 years old, I do not have children. Its not that it was not once part of my life plan, but married too young and divorced at 29, my life didn’t turn out as I’ve planned ( not only in the kid area). Obviously, timing is everything and spent my post divorced ’30s not looking to rush into another marriage. Than when I felt I was ready to try again and open to marriage and kids, timing was off again. I came close a couple of times, but here I am.. The point is, we are raised with the expectations that conform with the “norm”; wife/ husband, 2.5 kids, the white picket fence etc and the societal pressure is strong. Some well intentioned, but also I have found some people ask/pressure friends/relatives to have kids because its what they did…. Some people secretly envy couples without kids (especially if their kid situation was not planned). I have come to terms that kids are not in my future as my main focus is to retire like you two; besides, I have nieces, nephews, great-nieces and nephew whom I am close to. I admire you and your wife not to let the pressure get to you. I coach Millennials about their careers and from where I sit, you and your wife are wise to wait until YOU ARE BOTH READY… Kudos for your resolve and for such amazing articles and I only hope that more people your age are so focused on living smart and on your own terms… Don’t let anyone make you feel you are not “normal” because of your decisions… Thanks for the article and look forward to more!
Best,
Jim Fortner
Millennial_jobs
Jim – thanks so much for sharing that. I agree, we are raised to follow the norms, and there could be some jealousy factor (although I’ve never really thought about it like that before).
Life is weird man. It changes a lot and takes us different ways than we ever thought it would. This post was a fun one – can’t believe there are so many blogger-types like me that have a similar outlook on kids and life! Very refreshing.
Dude – you’re 27. Tell everyone to chill the F out.
It still BLOWS my mind that people feel comfortable commenting on that. Having friends who experienced infertility – you NEVER know what someone else is going through, and it can be a really insensitive question.
And again – you’re 27, not rotting in a grave somewhere. You’ve got plenty of time. And know that if you’d had kids any earlier, you’d be getting flak too. We had our kids early (I was 20 when we had our oldest) and seriously, I still get tons of commentary on how I “look too young to have a 5 year old.” Is that ever a helpful comment?
Plus, once you have them, the invasive questions don’t stop – so take the time to draw some boundaries now. First it’s, “So, when will you give little Jr that sibling he so desperately needs?” Then, it’s, “Oh, you’ve got 2, you’re stopping now right?” Lord forbid you have more than two children…
Ahem. In short: Don’t worry. Be happy. Tell everyone else to stick it š
So many great points – I guess we would be judged on our kid situation either way! The issue for us is that everyone we know that has a kid did it MUCH earlier than we planned to, so I think they just want us to experience it too (I hope).
I still think it’s so weird that this is such an open topic for friends and family to ask about. We aren’t really offended by it, but it gets super tiring having to talk about it all the time!
My wife and I have one kid, she was born when I was 30 and she was 27. We had been married for 5 years by that time and the questions were non-stop.
Guess what, we had a kid and then no less than 2-years later, the next question comes of… When are you going to have another? You know you can’t just have one kid, they will have no friends, etc, etc, etc.
Neither my wife or care about the pressure, but it is more annoying than anything. We have decided that we only want one kid (part of the FI equation). People will ask and I can just see their mind blowing up when I respond with, “we just don’t want another one”.
Overall funny, but a little annoying.
It also doesn’t help that my younger sister just had her second kid š
Ha the questions never stop!!!! That’s the other part of our story – we really only want one kid. My wife was an only child and enjoyed it, and I absolutely don’t want to push her towards having more kids that she actually wants when the time comes. SOOOO looking forward to more questions. Not.
I’m glad to hear that you and your wife are not letting societal pressures force you to have kids when you aren’t ready. I had my son pretty early and it was definitely not planned for, but I learned a lot and I’m a much better person because of it. Oh and I get to enjoy benefits like laying on the couch and asking him to grab something for me from the other room š haha. But seriously, my finances have improved after having a child because I had no choice because failure wasn’t an option. My sister and her husband have been married 5 years and have no kids together and they are doing great financially and with their relationship so everyone is free to make their own decisions and life plan depending on what works best for them.
Haha I’ve always wondered how I can train my future kids to do stuff for me too! š
That’s a great point on the finances improving – a lot of times when you have to make something work you go out of your way to learn about it. Part of life really. Just had a guest poster talk about the same concept with student loans the other day.
People will be weird and judge-y if you have wait to have kids or have 5. =) At the end of the day, we try to find the best path possible for ourselves and if other people don’t like it, then they can make different life choices. =) But the kids do change everything. And there are no take backsies. So I am all for people waiting as long as they want. The return policy on kids is crap. =)
During our first half of our 6 week road trip, we were in Yellowstone when a lady (about 25 years old where I am 33) said as we walked by “I can’t believe those people would bring all those kids to Yellowstone!” In a really nasty way. I was tempted to remind her that all the stupid folks who have been running across geysers this summer were her age, not 4 year olds. But you can’t fix every stupid judge-y person. At least all the folks asking you guys are doing it out of love. =)
Ha the kid return policy! Thats’ awesome. You’re right – can’t keep people from thinking what they will. We don’t really want to, we just want to stop talking about kids every time I’m at my parents house haha. I have a feeling we will wait till 29-30 before we make the leap.
I tease my younger brother and sister (who very possible won’t ever have kids because they both rather despise the little minions), that they owe me big time for filling the grandchild quota! Maybe you could encourage sibling to procreate more? Replace their birth control pills with tic tacs? Jk! =)
My sibling has 2 kids and one on the way this week, so I think she is good haha!
I read this article and immediately forwarded it to my husband with the subject line, “See we aren’t CRAZY!”
We are both 27, married for almost two years, loving life and focusing on our careers (mine as a Clinical Social Worker & his as an Engineer). Not a day goes by that we don’t get asked the kid question. For awhile I would smile and say, “Maybe soon” but now after the millionth time I respond with no smile and a frustrated sigh, “I do not know. Maybe soon, maybe never”.
The fact is, we love our life the way it is. We love our jobs, our pets, our funky little house and most importantly our freedom. We are also planners, and right now kids are not in our 2-3 year plan. The great thing is plans change, so they might become part of that plan, but for now we are loving this amazing life we are building just the two of us.
I appreciate your article because it hit the nail on the head to how we are feeling. Congrats on building your life according to your own terms and not societal pressure! We are right there with you.
Ha yessssss! Love it when people forward my stuff!!! I don’t know if I’m not crazy, but I definitely don’t want kids right now. If that makes me weird…screw it. We are in a cool spot in life and want to stretch that time together as much as we can. I’m sure kids will be great, but just not right now.
Great post! Me and my girlfriend are 28 & 26 and we hear this alllllll the time. Your post was perfect, it’s ok to not have kids in your 20’s and spend this decade enjoying life without as much responsibility, more money & plan for the future. Instead of kids we have the coolest dog ever haha and we won’t have to pay for a college tuition.
Thanks so much Mike – it’s not often people love a post this much! š
Yeah man – we’re just trying to enjoy life like you guys are. I feel like we need to start some kind of support group haha
Hey, M$M! First time commenter here. I think you hit the nail on the head with #3. “You can’t understand it until you have one, you’ve never loved anything like that before..etc…” My husband and I were high school sweet hearts, got married at 24/26 respectively, and then waited another 4 years to have a baby. So we were together for 12 years…we heard ALLLL the cheesy arguments. And ya know what? They’re all totally true, but that doesn’t mean I wish we had listened! I loved the married-before-kids time so much. Whatever the path to kids looks like, it’s YOUR path!
1. They were a part of the plan, but it happened about a year before we were planning it. Of course now, I couldn’t imagine it any other way!
2. I’m only 11 months in, but kids do NOT have to cost as much as everyone says. Like anything, there’s frugal ways to do things and the baby industry pumps billions into their marketing. However, I would also say that it’s refreshing to spend money on something other than ourselves too. I love happy hours and trips as much as the next person, but putting our dollars towards baby’s health/future/etc is SO rewarding. I’m WAY more motivated to achieve FI and make smart money decisions, now that I know how awesome spending time with my son is.
3. No š
Hey Britt – thanks so much for commenting! Feel free to weigh in more often š
That’s kinda what I figured – they are probably all completely true statements!!! We are really just enjoying life right now and trying to go with the flow of marriage.
REALLY interesting on #2 – what was the part that surprised you the most about how much a kid DOESN’T cost? I’ve always heard that there is a lot of peer pressure from other parents to buy the top-of-the-line strollers, bouncers, etc. in the name of safety. That has to be annoying to have other people tell you how to spend your money!
I figured on number 3 haha
Ah I have so many things I want to elaborate on, but it’s too much to put in a comment! The one thing I would say in response to “hearing there is peer pressure to buy the fancy stuff”… as you said in your “live with the parents” post, of course there’s some pressure…but who gives AF. I’d say it’s less from family/friends and more just from the baby industry bomboarding you, but it’s still there! Really though, you and your wife were cool with living at home despite the stigma there (so were we), so I have a feeling you’ll have no problems sorting out what are actual baby needs and what aren’t š
Hey that’s cool – comment away! Yeah I’m sure we’ll be fine, we kinda do our own thing anyways you know? I could see the baby industry guilting the crap out of you to buy stuff!!!! Must be hard to battle with that. Thanks Britt!
Agreed, they do not have to cost a ton. I buy lots of baby stuff on Craigslist and it saves a bunch of money. However, formula is pricey and adds up quick, especially when you have twins like I do (it’s about $500/month). And DAYCARE, ugh. Daycare for our 3 kids is $3600/month, and that’s just at a normal daycare center, not anything fancy. However, our state is the most expensive in the country for daycare so it may not cost so much in other areas. For me, daycare is the financial killer…the rest of kid expenses are pretty easy to manage financially, as you said.
HOLY CRAP. $3,600/month. That hurts just freaking reading it.
LOVE this! My husband and I married at 24 and waited, by choice, to have kids until we were 34. And we were asked the “when are you going to have kids” question constantly (super annoying at first then you just get used to it). Now, at 38, we have a 3-year-old and 7-month-old twins (yes, it’s complete insanity in our house at all times lol). I adore my kids. But I also mourn my pre-kid life. We spent 10 years of marriage traveling the world (African safari, pyramids of Egypt, temples in Thailand, drinking wine in Tuscany)…and it was absolutely amazing! Like you, we enjoy life and also built wealth, which has put us in a much better financial place for kids…and now we can give them a more “bada*s life” as you said. If we had kids younger I know, without a doubt, that I would have regrets for the adventures I didn’t get to experience. Selfish? Yes, it is. But I’m ok with that. So, when people ask you the question, continue to smile and shrug it off, knowing it will happen when you’re ready. There is no “perfect” time…just go with the flow of life and enjoy it. All phases are special! Thanks for the great post!
Stephanie – this is so great to hear haha. I love seeing these stories about other people basically going through what we are and not feeling crazy š
We are trying to do the travel thing too…but we are into beaches!!! We’ve done Bahamas and Jamaica, and then Antigua next year. Really just trying to make the most of this because we know it will be replaced with a different kind of enjoyment when we have kids later!
Sounds like you have an incredible family – congrats!
We have 3 kids- ages 6, 4, and 2. We had our eldest when we were 26 and 28 and had been married 5.5 years. We were starting to get some questions, but we married young AND we did the Dave Ramsey thing. I don’t like when people say they have to have their ducks perfectly in a row to have kids because, hello, is the timing ever perfect? And while we traveled a lot before kids (we took 2 trips to Australia), we just went back to Australia (it’s kinda like a second home) with all 3 kids in tow. Having kids doesn’t mean that you’re travel life has to end, it just means that you’ll plan differently, pack more, and pay a bit more. I do think though, overall, we set ourselves up a lot better than our friends, but that’s really because we got completely out of debt before we had children. Most of our friends waited just as long but didn’t get out of debt. My only advice is- “don’t wait too long”- we have so many friends in fertility issues just because the things that happen at 25 don’t happen as easily at 30 or 35.
And – the only way our budget has changed is 1. FOOD. They are little but hungry. and 2. Clothes. Little boys go through shoes like water. š
We are in the same position as you were it sounds like. No debt, like to travel (going to a lakehouse this weekend!!). I’m sure we will figure out a way to still go places with kids, it just looks horrific every time I see parents with kids on an airplane haha
Yeah I could see food and clothes blowing up a budget, but it’s not that bad when you are debt free right?
Yep, Mom is reading this once again! Although you must admit, last night was pretty fun with all the kids around! We’ll talk again in three years.
Haha yes 3 years sounds good
I love this post! My hubby and I used to get asked this question constantly. Now that I have a blog, everyone knows about our massive student loan debt so we don’t get the question much anymore (which is nice š ). I had originally planned to have kids in my mid-20s, but because of our debt it’s looking more like it’ll be in our mid-30s. My parents were “old” when I was born, and because of that, I didn’t know my grandparents much (most of them died when I was very young). I wanted to have kids in my mid-20s so that my kids could spend a lot of time with their grandparents, but I’m not willing to have kids before we’re financially stable. I want my kids to be raised with good financial role models so that they can make smarter choices than the ones that I made.
Haha I think my blog is screwing us over for this instead of helping us! Everyone knows we are debt free and in good financial shape, so they probably don’t understand why we are still waiting!
Kids were always part of our life plan, but we delayed somewhat because of finishing school after we married at age 20. We had our first at 25 after trying for a year. Some people do have regrets about waiting. My husband was scared of the responsibility and delayed about two years after I felt ready. He loves, loves, loves being a dad and wishes he had started earlier so that we could have had more children before my age/health problems stopped us from having more after our three girls. The fact that kids are expensive led us to drastically improve our money management. I believe if kids hadn’t caused the pressure that led us to improve, we’d still be quite sloppy with our money.
Also, be careful about answering this question openly because in the future if you decide you want children and pregnancy and birth don’t happen like you hoped, this question will become painful and not just annoying. You may save yourself some pain by maintaining a position of privacy about where you are about kids. Best wishes to you.
We have two boys, 4 & 2. Got pregnant almost immediately after we got hitched. I feel like having the kids put our ducks in a row. After our oldest turned 1, my husband enrolled in school so he wouldn’t have to be in the Construction industry forever. We bought a house 3 weeks after he was born & I feel like we are more goal oriented than we would have been had we not had “reasons to be” . We were a pretty irresponsible when we were dating, once the little one was involved it was more “ok time to grow up”
We have 3 boys under the age of 4. My husband and I were older when we got married, and for health reasons intended to adopt somewhere down the road in the not-too-distant, but not-too-near future. Well…that didn’t happen. Six months before my husband earned his PhD we had our first son. 3 months ago we had our last. In that time he’s gotten his first job, I was able to quit mine and go back to school full time while raising the boys. Honestly, that first 6 months sucked. It just did. Finances were TIGHT. But after my husband got his first job things got much better. So much better in fact that we paid cash for baby #3.
In many cases, I think that delaying kids is a prudent decision. As a big planner myself, I really like the way that Mr. Money Mustache and his wife did things. During their 20’s, they worked hard, saved up around $800,000 so they no longer had to work, and then were able to fully focus on raising their kid. No more missing the important moments of your kids’ lives!
We don’t have kids yet but lately I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on my hubby and I fear I’ve sounded a lot like your relatives.
“But we will be X years old when the kid is X!”
“We can make it work. It’s not that different from what we’re doing now”
“There’s not a lot of time left! We’re getting old!”
And on and on.
But I think you’ll be happy to know that as of a week ago I have resolved to let it go and just enjoy our time as a couple. Spontaneously planning trips. Walking around naked. Sleeping in until 1:00pm on the weekends. Life is good.
Thanks for helping me keep some perspective. ????
1. We have 2 kids (had 3- lost the middle child). Yes, it was part of my life plan and so was having them young. We were 19 and 22 when we met. I was 22 when we got married and he had just turned 20 and I got pregnant a month after we eloped (if that’s what you’d call it- our parents and 2 other people knew, my parents came but we went to the courthouse and surprised all our friends and family by announcing our official marriage on Facebook after that)
It so far hasn’t worked out too bad- this week is the official 7th year we’ve been together and early August will be our 7th anniversary (married after 2 1/2 months)
I had my oldest at 23, lost one at 25 and my youngest at 27. I’m nearing 30 now and had my tubes tied after baby 3.
Losing the one in the middle was very much against my plan but having babies first then career was my plan.
I started to work towards building up my career between babies 2 and 3 but maternity leave ruined it (in customer service industry- I lost most of my clients and ended up burned out- I’ve been at a job in retail for over a year Now, husband’s in school and i have a novel im working on I’m hoping to get published in a few years.)
I was afraid of starting a career then having babies would kill it and I was right so I’m glad I didn’t wait.
My mom and dad were 35 and 40 when they adopted me and my mom straight up told me not to wait for full financial security- to wait on marriage and being emotionally ready because having a baby can throw you off- she was right. I was working when I got pregnant with my oldest and my plan was to not stay home but I lost the job so I went to school then she was born 3 months early and had an 8 month NICU stay. In that time, I graduated and got my professional license but couldn’t work for a while due to her severe medical issues.
Now at 6, she’s tiny and has some delays but is overall healthy and happy. She’s in school and her sister is healthy so those are no longer obstacles.
Growing up with older parents, I decided I wanted to be younger. I lost my grandma at a very young age so my parents play a very strong role in my kids’ lives. With one going on 65 and one going on 70, my kids won’t have them in their lives as long as I’d like so I want them to have the same memories I have of my grandma.
2. It didn’t have a huge impact. We were just starting out so it wasn’t a huge change- Now, we have a lot more debt and it’s still going to be a year or two before were going to be looking at the possibility of owning a home (although we have discussed it and there are maybe 2 towns locally we wouldn’t mind being tied down in- where we rent, we are happy with our kid’s school district.
3. I’m going to answer your third question just for fun- my favorite is my older when the younger is throwing a fit and the younger when my older is throwing a fit. Both when they’re playing nice or sleeping and neither when they’re both throwing fits.
My parents were 34 when they had my brother and 37 when they had me. When I used to ask them why they waited so long my mom’s answer was always “are you kidding? We were having way too much fun without you two to even think about kids!” Lol My parents are incredibly financially stable, I had a fantastic childhood, I never wanted for anything growing up, and now that they’re pretty much retired it’s quite evident that my parents were smart with their finances. I want to do the same. I’m 29 and my husband is 34, I have no desire to have kids anytime soon. They can wait.
My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly eight years. I think I’ve been asked when we’re getting married and having kids relentlessly for about six years now. We enjoy the freedom of a child free life. We’re stilling paying off student loans and trying to figure out if marriage and buying a home is even “us”. I think by the time I’m “ready” to have children I want to adopt a child who really need a home. That’s at least a decade off though.
I am entirely out of your demographic target, but enjoy following your journey. I am the mother of a pair of millennials, from the start of the generation (now aged 34 and 35). Let me answer first to THEIR choices…our elder son has two boys, aged 12 and 6, and his brother and wife, who married later, are expecting their first. Both are happy with their timing, and the elder son had always wanted to marry and have a family young. His brother was more ambivalent.
Back a generation, we had our kids when I was 23 and 24, and my DH two years older. I had graduated from HS at 16, college at 20, and we were eager and ready to be family. Took us three years of trying before our first was born.
I had seen some awful divorces in my family, and did a ton of reading to decide on kids. We did not suffer much financially, as we were both in the military, with the exception of my four years as a SAHM afterwards, which went well with his schedule and life in a foreign country.
As a nurse, the ONLY advise I give is to recognize that female fertitily does a nosedive at age 35, and to keep that in your planning data. Enjoy being a couple now, and a family later, should that be your path!
We had our first child at 29/34, about 2 years into marriage and 4 years into our relationship. I wish we had met younger so we could have enjoyed more years together before them.
I am a planner, my second child was one if the first big things that didn’t go exactly as planned, I wanted a late spring/summer baby and ended up pregnant 2 seasons earlier. Seven months into his little life, he is full of curve balls…
As far as cost, kids do have expenses. There’s daycare, or giving up a salary, or owing grandma for babysitting. You have to feed them, but breastmilk is free. Unfortunately, at some point, they will eat real food… Medical bills. Sanity. Diapers have a cost, but cloth seems way less disgusting on second baby while potty training the first one…
One of the greatest benefits you will have for waiting is that you may get the hand me down version of the fancy crap from those friends of yours, that they probably didn’t use it anyway š All kids really need is food, shelter and love.
My husband and I were married young. I was 21 and he was 23 at the time. Fast forward almost 9 years and we still do not have a child. I did have a miscarriage right after our one year anniversary and the whole experience changed my mindset on children. I always thought I wanted three, now we will most likely only have one. The first few years after the miscarriage I couldn’t even imagine having a child and going through a potential loss again. Then in 2015 we started our debt free journey and have allowed it to consume our life in a good way. We are getting closer to the finish line everyday and then will seriously talk about kids again. We both want one but we also want financial security. I know most people say not to let finances dictate when you have a child because you will never be ready, blah blah blah, but if we can put ourselves in a better position to raise a family them I’m all for it.
This is so relevant to my life right now but kind of in the opposite way. š
Iām 21, married, just got the preggo news, and it was planned. Weāve been married for a little over a year and just felt like we āgot to know each otherā adequately (which is THE most annoying phrase out there just FYI)
My motherās view on having kids is my favorite ever, I was asking her if she thought we were crazy for trying for a baby now and she just said āI cannot say a single thing, it is COMPLETELY up to you guys and not my place to tell you one way or another.ā (She said it in a caring way, sheās one of those people with a really sweet demeanor)
Meanwhile Iām dreadingggg my SILās reaction because I know weāll get tons of negative comments and itāll most likely be assumed ithe baby was an accident. Good thing I can blame anything I say on pregnancy hormones.
Bottom line, my mom is a saint, and thatās how everyone should look at it. Nobodyās business and thereās no one right way.
Hi Bobby, Yes I always knew that I would have kids. I wanted four and got two. I started at 25 but wished I started earlier. Financially, I think that I just made it work. I ended up being a single mom when they were still babies and I wouldn’t have done it any other way. I wouldn’t have waited until I was financially ready because medically my body and joints can’t chase a little one around like I used to. I am only 45 they are now 20 and 17. I love teaching them about being smart with their money, but taking on what life gives you. I didn’t save for their college or buy them cars. I paid for my own college twice and my own car when I was in my 20s. They will do the same. They know that they have options and are learning about being smart with their decisions because it is coming out of their pocket. Maybe I would’ve had a different approach if I raised them under different circumstances. Enjoy life and do it when it is right for you and your wife. That is most important.
I love this article. Itās as if I could have written it myself, or wish I could have put t so eloquently after all those years. And I also am happy to say that we did decide to have our first kid when I was 36… and with no regrets. Yes I got it that kids are a great life experience… but we power saved, lived in Europe for 3 years and traveled everywhere while we were there. I will never pressure my kids or anyone else for that matter to rush into having kids if they are not ready.